Myths and truths associated with domestic violence in Montana
Myth: Domestic violence only happens to poor, uneducated women and minority women.
Truth: Persons of any class, culture, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, age, and sex can be victims or perpetrators of domestic violence. Because women with money usually have more access to resources, poorer women tend to utilize community agencies, and are therefore more visible.
Myth: Some people deserve to be abused; they are responsible for the violence because they know how to provoke it.
Truth: No one deserves to be abused. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser. Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong and against the law.
Myth: If the victim didn’t like it, she would leave.
Truth: There are many reasons why women may not leave, including fear for herself, her children and even pets. Not leaving does not mean that the situation is okay or that the victim wants to be abused. The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave.
Myth: Men cannot be abused.
Truth: Men can be, and are, abused. Up to 13% of all reported domestic assaults occur to men.
Myths about domestic violence offenders
Myth: Most people who commit violence are under the effects of alcohol or drugs.
Truth: Although many abusive partners also abuse alcohol and/or drugs, this is not the underlying cause of the battering. Many batterers use alcohol/drugs as an excuse to explain their violence.
Myth: Stress and anger lead to violence.
Truth: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control. Their actions are very deliberate.
Myth: Batterers are violent in all their relationships.
Truth: Batterers choose to be violent to their partner and hurt them in ways they would never hurt someone else. Their violence is about control of the person.
Myths about the violence of domestic abuse
Myth: Violence is about anger and rage. The abuser is out of control.
Truth: There are many reasons it is obvious that an abuser is in control of his actions. He does not batter other individuals. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves. The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were “out of control” or “in a rage” he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.
Myth: Domestic violence is a personal problem between a husband and a wife.
Truth: Domestic violence affects everyone. If children are in the home, they will most likely see or hear the abuse and its aftermath. Domestic abuse can also destroy friendships and family relationships as abusers often try and isolate their victims from their support systems.
Myth: Domestic Violence occurs in only a small percentage of relationships.
Truth: Domestic Violence occurs in up to 1/3 of all relationships, including same sex relationships. One in three women will report violence from a spouse or partner in their lifetime.
Myth: Domestic Violence is usually a one time, isolated occurrence due to anger or stress.
Truth: Battering is a pattern of control that includes the repeated use of a number of tactics including threats, intimidation, isolation, economic and financial control, psychological and sexual abuse. Physical violence is only one of the tactics used to control another person.
More domestic violence myths, excuses and reality
Men abuse because it works! Abuser’s behavior is driven by their values of entitlement and privilege. They learn that they can ensure that their feelings and needs are always the focus in the relationship by using tactics of power and control.
Why does he do that? Battering is a choice. Just like they chose not to abuse their bosses, neighbors, pastor, friends, or other family members, they chose to abuse their partners because they get what they want when they do it.
Both abusers and many other people blame victims and make excuses for the abuser’s behavior.
- He is angry. If a man had an “anger control problem” he wouldn’t be able to reserve that side for his partner only.
- He can’t handle stress. Abusers can be very popular, successful, and have a lot of power in their jobs. For those that aren’t, rarely does their behavior improve because their life situation has improved. Everyone has stress in their life, but not everyone chooses to abuse because of it.
- He is insecure. This myth is rewarding for an abuser, because it gets his partner, his therapists, and others to cater to him emotionally, and the more positive attention he receives the more he demands.
- He was provoked. Abusive men often have a distorted view of themselves as victims. This serves the purpose of redirecting the focus from their behavior by blaming the victim.
- He lost control. While a man is on an abusive rampage, verbally or physically, his mind maintains awareness of some level of what would look bad, get him in trouble, or hurt himself or his valuables which demonstrates a large level of control. An abuser’s problem is not that he loses control of himself, but that he takes control of his partner
- Will he ever stop? Abusive men can change if they want to; if they recognize that their behavior is wrong, and that their belief that they have the right to control their partner through abuse is wrong. However, few men are willing to do this.
- Why does he stay the same? Because he benefits from being the one in power and having control:
- He gets to have his way without compromise.
- He has someone to blame for his problems.
- He has someone to care for him & do all the work.
- He gets public status of partner and/or fatherhood without sacrifice.
- He is often in a better financial position
- He gets to be the center of attention.
- His careers, education or goals are the priority.
- He is exempt from the rules that apply to his partner.
- People are often supportive of his abusive attitudes.
Will therapy help?
Abusers who do participate in individual therapy typically get worse as they use therapy to:
- Develop new excuses for their behavior.
- Develop more sophisticated arguments to prove that their partner is mentally unstable
- Develop more creative ways to make her feel responsible for their emotional distress.
In addition, many therapists guide abusers in identifying and expressing feelings which feeds the abusers selfish focus on himself.
Will medication help?
There is no particular mental health condition that is typical of abusers and some abusers perform normally in clinical evaluation and psychological tests. Some abusers may have a mental health diagnosis but it is their value system that is unhealthy not their psychology.
If they do have a mental health diagnosis, abuser behavior may improve for a while as a result of taking medication prescribed by a psychiatrists but typically this may only stop the most devastating or terrifying behavior but not his overall abusiveness.
Will couples counseling help?
Domestic violence is a criminal act, not a marital problem. We do not recommend couples counseling because the behavior is solely the responsibility of the abusive person, only he alone is capable of changing it.
Couples counseling may have the following unintended effects:
- Allowing the abuser to stay focused on his criticisms of his partner, rather than dealing with his own problems
- Leading to retaliation by the abuser for the victim revealing information during a session,
- Ignoring the denial, minimization and deception of the abuser.
- Ignoring the victim’s rights in a relationship.
- Increasing the victim’s sense of isolation if the abuse is kept hidden.
- Implying that the victim has responsibility for seeing that her abuser gets help.
- Violent behavior must be addressed and stopped before couples counseling takes place.
What will help?
Anger management does not address flawed attitudes and beliefs that reinforce abusive behavior. Perpetrator treatment is a 12 month program that promotes a change in belief system which supports the use of non-violence in intimate relationships, holds the abuser accountable for all abusive behaviors, confronts denial, minimization and victim blaming, and helps to develop non-violent, non-controlling relationship skills.