How to help a friend in an abusive relationship
If you suspect a woman is in an abusive relationship you can reach out to her. You might think that something as simple as talking to a friend about abuse couldn’t possibly make a difference, but it really does. Respectfully approach her and express your concern. You can let her know if she ever wants to talk you are available. You don’t have to be an expert. You just need to be a friend. Just knowing that someone cares enough to ask about the abuse can break through the wall of isolation that can exist around victims of relationship abuse. The manner in which friends and family respond can have a powerful impact on a survivor’s life.
If she appears open to conversation, you may want to gently ask her some non-threatening questions about her relationship:
- Is your partner possessive or jealous?
- Does your partner try to control your behavior by telling you where you can go or who you can associate with?
- Does your partner threaten you or criticize you?
- Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship?
- Are you afraid when your partner gets angry?
If she rebuffs, don’t press her, simply let her know you’re available if she wants to talk.
The Survivor Reaches Out to You
If an abused woman has reached out to you for help, you will need to listen to her, talk with her, provide her with support and information, and offer to help in whatever way you can. The goal in assisting a survivor of domestic violence should be to help her empower herself to make the best decisions possible.
- Allow her to tell her story.
- Let her know you believe her and want to hear about her experiences.
- Let her know you care about her and are concerned about her safety.
- Support her right to be angry.
- Don’t deny any of her feelings.
- Respect the cultural values and beliefs that affect her behavior.
- Know that she does not need rescuing.
- Help her assess her resources and support systems.
- Maintain contact with her. Physical and psychological isolation are powerful control tactics used by batterers.
- Let her know you are a nonthreatening, concerned ally who is able to see the reality of her situation and still respect her as a person.
- Repeat clear statements about her rights, such as “You don’t deserve to be treated that way.”
- Stay away from “you” statements such as “you should”. Instead, use “I” statements such as “I’m concerned.”
- Let the woman know she does not have to endure her situation alone and that she deserves support.
- Let her take the lead. Let her tell you what she needs rather than assuming you know what is best for her.
- Listen and let her talk about her feelings.
- Do not judge or give advice. Talk to her about her options.
Other considerations:
- She may need you to brainstorm with her. She may be so enmeshed in crisis that she cannot see her options such as staying in a shelter or another safe location, joining a support group, changing jobs, obtaining counseling, education or training, filing for separation or divorce and getting legal counsel. Help her discover and develop her own resources including money, friends, relatives and employment.
- Encourage her to turn for support to people she can trust.
- Physical safety is the first priority. If you believe she is in danger, let her know that you are concerned. Help her create a safety plan.
- Maintain some level of ongoing contact with her. Physical and psychological isolation are powerful control tactics by abusers. An open line of communication between you and the battered woman can be a life line for her.
- Respect her right to confidentiality.
- Let her know you care and want to help.
Don’t be upset if your friend doesn’t react the way you think she should. Let her talk about the caring aspects of the relationship as well. People who are being controlled by their partner’s behavior must consider many factors before coming to a conclusion about how to access safety. Let her make her own decisions and support her throughout the process.
Give clear messages, including:
- She does not cause the abuse.
- She is not to blame for her partner’s behavior.
- She cannot change her partner’s behavior.
- Apologies and promises are a form of manipulation.
- She is not alone.
- Abuse is not loss of control; it is a means of control.
- It is helpful to provide support to survivors. However, there are some forms of advice that are not useful and even dangerous for her to hear:
- Don’t tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave.
- Don’t tell her to go back to the situation and try a little harder.
- Don’t rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.
- Don’t suggest you try to talk to her partner to straighten things out.
- Don’t place yourself in danger by confronting the abuser.
- Don’t tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.
Convey your concern for her safety if things continue unchecked, BUT refrain from giving advice. Use “I” statements: “I’m scared, I’m afraid, I’m worried”
Make clear statements about her rights as a person, such as “ You don’t deserve to be treated that way”. Express disapproval of her abuser’s behavior but do not be critical of him; it may cause her to become defensive and make excuses for him.
Let her know she doesn’t have to endure her situation alone. Offer her the telephone numbers of a local domestic violence shelter, but don’t force the information on her if she doesn’t want it. If she refuses the information, hold on to it in case she becomes interested in the future.
Never recommend couples counseling in situations of emotional or physical abuse. It is dangerous for the woman and will not lead to a resolution that is in her interest. Encourage separate counseling for the individuals, if they want counseling.
The ability to demonstrate unconditional acceptance is crucial when helping a survivor to help herself. Try to suspend judgment when confronting behaviors and attitudes different from yours, be flexible and accept her without imposing your own values and ideals.
Offer her the telephone numbers of local resources. Call HAVEN’s 24 hour Hotline for information on our services and other local resources.
Helpers versus Rescuers
In trying to be supportive, others can actually become overprotective to the point that they reinforce feelings of helplessness the abused woman is trying to overcome. Doing too much for someone implies that she is incapable of acting on her own behalf. The more the rescuer accepts the idea that the abused woman is helpless, the more the abused woman is forced into that role. The more helpless and dependent an abused woman feels, the less able she will be to act on her own behalf.
A Helper…
Believes that an abused woman is in crisis, but with appropriate support, information, and resources can make her own decisions and determine her own fate.
- Listens for requests for help.
- Provides what the woman says she needs.
- Checks in with the woman periodically.
- Establishes and maintains appropriate boundaries.
- Does most of the listening.
- Supports the woman as she makes her own decisions and does her own work.
A Rescuer…
- Believes an abused woman is helpless and needs someone to save her.
- Gives help even when it is not asked for.
- Fails to find out whether the help is welcomed.
- Gives advice instead of information.
- Gives what he or she thinks the needs.
- Does most of the talking and working.
Please remember that you must remain safe – if you are not safe, you will not be able to help the survivor. If immediate safety is a concern, call 911.
No one can force someone to leave their abuser. While it is possible to help someone in a violent relationship, it is ultimately their decision to change their own life and future.
What if she decides to remain in the abusive relationship?
Sometimes it can be frustrating when a friend returns to a batterer or stays in an abusive relationship. It is important to understand that there are many reasons for these decisions.
Just like ending any relationship is a process, leaving an abusive relationship takes time.
In many cases, the victim fears for her life. She may also want her children to grow up with both parents, and feel guilty, believing that the abuse is her fault. Sometimes a victim’s self-esteem is so damaged by the abuse that she thinks she can’t make it on her own. Or she may just want the violence to end, not the relationship. Whatever the reason for her decision to stay in the relationship, there are many ways you can help.
Listen, without judging. Often a battered woman believes her abuser’s negative messages about her. She may feel responsible, ashamed, inadequate and afraid she will be judged by you. Telling the victim what to do can be just as controlling as the abuser, and often leaving is more dangerous then staying.
Tell her the abuse is not her fault. Explain that violence in a relationship is never acceptable. There’s no excuse for it – not alcohol or drugs, financial pressure, depression, jealousy or any behavior of hers.
Be honest and supportive. Tell her you are afraid for her and her children. Tell her you want to help, but don’t pressure your friend to leave. Avoid language like “You need to…” “You should…” “Why don’t you…” “You have to…”
Make sure she knows she is not alone. If and when she wants help, it is available. Let her know that domestic violence tends to get worse and become more frequent with time and that it rarely goes away on its own.
Explain that relationship abuse is a crime, and that she can seek protection from the police or courts.
Suggest that she develop a safety plan in case of emergency.
Think about ways you might feel comfortable helping her. If she decides to leave her relationship, she may need money, assistance finding a place to live, a place to store her belongings or a ride to a battered women’s shelter.
Get advice. If you want to talk with someone yourself, to get advice about a particular situation, contact HAVEN at 406-586-4111.