Find yourself wondering

How can I help?

If you know someone who you suspect is in an abusive relationship, you may ask yourself questions like… What can I do? or Why is it so hard to leave?

Watching someone go through an abusive relationship can be frustrating and scary, and you may feel unsure of how to help. Ultimately, the decision to leave a relationship can only be made by the person experiencing the abuse, but there are many ways to offer support.

• Respectfully approach them and express your concern.

• Tell them you are always available to talk if he/she wants to.

• Tell them you’re concerned for their safety and want to help.

• Be supportive and listen patiently. Acknowledge their feelings and be respectful of their decisions.

• Help your friend recognize that the abuse is not “normal” and is NOT their fault. Everyone deserves a healthy, non-violent relationship.

• Focus the conversation on them, not the abusive partner. Even if they stay with their partner, it’s important they still feel comfortable talking to you about it.

• Connect them to resources in their community that can give them information and guidance. Remember Haven can help.

• Help them develop a safety plan.

• If they break up with the abusive partner, continue to be supportive after the relationship is over.

• Even when you feel like there’s nothing you can do, don’t forget that by being supportive and caring — you’re already doing a lot.

• Don’t contact their abuser or publicly post negative things about them online. It’ll only worsen the situation for them.

• Finances. A survivor of relationship violence may depend on their abuser financially. They may not have a job, or they may have a low-paying job that doesn’t provide enough support for them to live alone. They may live with their abuser and not be able to find affordable housing. They may have children whom they cannot support on their own. A survivor who is married to their abuser may rely on the abuser for other financial support such as health insurance.

• No support system. Abusers often isolate the partner they’re harming from friends and family. A survivor will need help to start a new life, but they may not have any friends or family to lean on. The prospect of starting over without any help may make staying in the relationship seem like the best decision.

• Disability or addiction. The survivor may be disabled or struggling with addiction. These challenges make it even more difficult or impossible for a survivor to leave a relationship without help and support from other people.

• Safety. The most dangerous time for a person in an abusive relationship is when they try to leave. Leaving a relationship doesn’t guarantee that the violence is over, since many abusers can continue to stalk their former partner. If the survivor is caught trying to leave, the violence may escalate, and the person leaving risks being killed by their partner. Most homicides that result from domestic violence occur when the person who’s experienced harm is trying to leave, or shortly after they have left.

• Children. The survivor may have children with the abuser. The survivor may feel that the children need two parents, even if the other parent is abusive. Or the abuser may have threatened to take the kids away from the survivor. The kids may have special needs that make it incredibly difficult to be a single parent, especially if the survivor lacks a support system.

• Love. An abused person may still love their abuser. Abusive relationships don’t start out with violence, and an emotional connection between the abuser and the victim forms before the violence starts.

• Hope. Many survivors hope that their abusers will change, or hope that this most recent violent incident is the last. Often abusers apologize and appear sorry for any violence that has occurred, keeping the survivor in the relationship hoping that now things will get better.

• Responsibility. Survivors often feel responsible for the abuser’s emotional and physical well-being. Many survivors feel like they are the only person who understands and cares about the abuser, or that they are the reason an abuser is able to manage addiction or mental illness. Survivors can also feel responsible for making the relationship work or keeping the family together.

• Fear. Threats are common in abusive relationships, and it can be difficult for a survivor to determine if a threat will be carried out. If a survivor expresses a desire to end the relationship, an abuser will often threaten to kill the survivor, threaten to commit suicide, threaten to kidnap children, or threaten to kill pets or destroy property. Often these threats are serious.

• Self-esteem. Most physical abuse starts after a long period of emotional and verbal abuse. Survivors in abusive relationships will internalize the messages they hear from their abuser, and may believe that no one else will want to be with them, that they deserve the abuse, or that they’re causing it themselves.

• Guilt and shame. A survivor may have returned to a relationship after leaving, only to find more abuse. People in the survivor’s support system may not have approved of the relationship from the beginning, and a survivor might feel guilt or shame for not listening. Sometimes a survivor is a recognized and respected member of the community, and they might feel that they’re not the “type” of person who is abused by their partner, and they might feel embarrassed that they “let” the abuse happen.

• Oppression. Many survivors of abuse belong to other groups that have been oppressed, such as a racial minority or of a non-heterosexual orientation. These survivors may think that if they try to leave the abuse, they will be victimized by other people because of their other identities, and often they’re right.

• Disbelief. Many organizations that should help abuse survivors, like law enforcement, courts, religious institutions, and social services, may decide the abuse isn’t happening, or may blame the survivor instead of the abuser. The survivor may fear that seeking help from these organizations will make their situation worse.

• Society. Music, films, and television often model relationship patterns that are abusive. Survivors may take cues from society about how relationships work or what love is supposed to look like, and may not be able to identify a relationship as abusive.

• Culture. A survivor may belong to a culture that values family and community over individuals, even if there is violence in the home. Survivors may also fear being cut off from their cultural community if they leave the relationship. Resources for survivors may not be in the survivor’s primary language, or may not be able to accommodate cultural or religious needs that are paramount to the survivor.

• A survivor is often a survivor of past abuse, either in childhood or in previous relationships. They may think that violence is normal in relationships, or may not be able to recognize warning signs of abusive partners until they are trapped in a violent relationship.